Life is busy. There’s so much to manage and keep track of, it can feel like you have too much on your plate. Keeping track of all the tangible to do’s for work, home, friends, family, along with the day-to-day things like cleaning, making sure you have the things you need in the house, cooking, etc. not to mention all the OTHER things on your plate is a lot. There’s a word for all of these tasks: mental load. Plus, this invisible burden of managing the ongoing responsibility of countless details, planning, and organizing,that typically falls disproportionately on women’s shoulders. In my work, I engage in conversations with many women about the challenges of carrying this burden alone, identifying their needs for support and learning how to articulate those needs to their partners. These are complex and challenging tasks!
So what IS “mental load?” It refers to the unseen and often unspoken responsibility for managing various aspects of life, a household, a family. You know those jokes about men calling their wives to ask where the flour is? Or where they can find glue for the kids’ school project? These might be funny in the moment, and they are also examples of an imbalance of responsibilities. Let’s think about this in a family system with a mom, dad, and kids. The mom often is the one who keeps important school dates and theme days and conferences in mind, who plans lunches and breakfasts and makes sure to have all the necessary items stocked and in the fridge, who keeps a tab on when shoes are getting too small and socks are getting too thin, who coordinates the babysitter and schedules vet visits, who tracks what cleaning supplies are running low and what needs to be rebought, who remembers important birthdays and ensures a gift is purchased, if needed. That’s not to mention the emotional support, conflict mediation, and other emotional roles she may play. While this example is for a person with children, mental load can be out of balance in relationships without children, as well. Managing “small” tasks adds up, leaving a lot of extra stress and information for her mind to hold.
You may ask, does this show up in all relationships? And it can! Whether you are in a same sex relationship, heterosexual relationship, whether you have kids, or dogs, or just yourselves, partnership often can bring different balances and mental load of the day-to-day tasks. If you realize that this cognitive and emotional labor is out of balance in your relationship, what can you do? First, it’s important to figure out what you need and want help with. You may find certain tasks totally neutral and non-stressful, while others may feel consuming and overwhelming. Doing some internal work first to figure out what things you would like to share or offload can be an important first step.
How you manage shifting the distribution of responsibilities is unique to each individual and partnership. Some people create a personal list of the things that are leading them to burnout, and use this to inform the conversation. Others talk through it together, establishing which tasks align with both people’s strengths. There’s no one-way to do this work! The one throughline is in clear, kind communication of needs and expectations. Emotions may come up for both people in the conversation, and that’s okay! There’s no right or wrong here; this is about addressing an unbalanced system. Remember, working with your partner to balance mental load will also involve prioritizing personal well-being and allowing space for relaxation and rejuvenation. Taking care of you is crucial and cannot be overlooked.
Addressing mental load is a crucial step towards creating more balanced and fulfilling relationships. By fostering better boundaries, sitting with discomfort, and promoting open communication, individuals can work together to alleviate the invisible burden that disproportionately affects women. And your relationship will, in the end, be stronger, closer after you’ve done this work. If you believe the mental load is out-of-whack in your relationship, or you’re unsure how to create a life where the balance of work and non-work is sustainable, or simply just need someone to talk to, reach out. I’m here to help.
