Most of us have heard about the “five stages of grief” and we realize that grieving is incredibly hard. But because of the way the “five stages” are often written and talked about, we tend to expect our own grief to move forward in a neat linear progression. That is simply not how grief works. In fact, while denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are all emotional experiences we have while grieving, we do not typically move through them neatly, in order, one at a time. Grief is messy. It is a complicated, devastating experience that often takes way longer to come to terms with than most of us expect.
Grief can’t fit into any prescribed box. The hard truth is there’s no “normal” experience when you lose someone – or something – that is deeply meaningful to you. Your journey with grief is yours. It will be unique based on your individual circumstances, relationship to the loss, and psychological makeup.
So what do I see in my clients during their grief experiences? For many, it plays out through endless cycles of questioning and ruminating and big and small emotional waves. Some waves may knock you down and leave you struggling to get to your feet, some might have you working just to maintain your balance, others you may surf pretty easily, and some will be just light splashes against your ankles. Anxiety can be a common grief experience as the familiar ground shifts beneath your feet. When a constant in your life disappears, it’s normal to doubt everything,to feel unmoored without solid footing. The “firsts” without your person or pet or in your new circumstance – birthdays, holidays, anniversaries – can be excruciatingly painful reminders and hit you unexpectedly.
In cases of anticipatory grief, those gut-punching “firsts” can even begin before the actual loss. Watching a loved one’s health decline may bring an immense awareness of the inevitable and, at the same time, pangs of absence though they’re still here. This creates an especially complicated duality of emotions. You have to hold the pain related to the coming change and also try to soak up the time you have left through loving awareness and presence.
When a loss is sudden and traumatic, for example resulting from an accident or violence, grief can be compounded by the psychological trauma of the experience. Sometimes, you have the double whammy of grief combined with PTSD from the loss itself. I’ve worked with many clients using EMDR and other evidence-based techniques to help them integrate the trauma into their lived experience in a way that allows them to cope more effectively and to truly heal. With traumatic grief in particular, professional support is essential for integrating those shattering memories and emotions.
It’s important to note that grief is not just about the loss of life. You can even grieve positive changes, like moving to a new state or starting a new job. Or you may find yourself grieving about what could have been, or the loss of the life you had planned. Infertility and breakups can trigger immense grief, just as strong as a physical loss. There’s nothing wrong with you if you find yourself deeply impacted. You are simply human.
There’s no doing it “right” when it comes to grief, despite what anyone might insist. There’s no timeline for how quickly you need to move forward or move on. You will likely never “get over it,” you’ll just get better at holding it. Be kind and gentle with your process. Know that it is just fine, even normal, to heal very slowly. Above all, know that you don’t have to walk through grief’s wilderness alone. There’s no shame in needing support to get through the days that follow. If you’re feeling deep in it, reach out. I’m here.
